I am spending my child support on dildos
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
