i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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