My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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