A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
