Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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