Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
