I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
