It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
