I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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