someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Randomize
