how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
