We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
