You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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