9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
