Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Don't make out with my wife yet
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
