Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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