Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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