Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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