eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
