Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
