I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
