I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Randomize
