I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
PANTIES FOUND
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
