Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
