Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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