11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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