Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
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