Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
