Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
