the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
