it wasn't lemon gatorade
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
