I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
