You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
