just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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