The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
