just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
