I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
