They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
