He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
