I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
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