smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
her vagine was all disorganized.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
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