so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
