just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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