girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize