I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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