i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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