WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
