hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize