That's when you crack a 10am beer
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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