For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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