I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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