Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
