***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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