she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Randomize
