worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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