Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
