Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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