I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize