You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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