WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
